WELCOME TO THE ZOO Restoration
Fellowship
"Family Portrait"
July 31, 2016
INTRO: A PORTRAIT OF TODAY'S FAMILY
Dr. Randy W.
Green, NYS Licensed Psychologist
"Creative Solutions" website,
"www.drrandywgreen.com"
Many
years ago, while watching a typical television game show such as, "The
Price is Right", the host would at some point interview a contestant.
"Hi, Bill, my name is Sally Smith. I live in Peoria, Illinois. I have a
wonderful husband and two lovely children..." This constituted a typical
American family of the time.
Today's
American family contestant might say, "Hi, Bill. My name is Wanda
Williams. I live in Peoria, Illinois. I am married for the second time, and
have one child with my current husband, two from a previous marriage; and his
teenage son from his first marriage lives with us, too."
Thirty
years ago, most families were smaller and simpler: A father, mother and 2.2
children. Father worked. Most mothers stayed home and raised the children.
Today, we have expanded the structure to include: a blended family, with
"yours, mine and ours" children, a single parent with children, or
perhaps middle-aged parents with an adult child who lives at home, even
dual-career couples without children.
As
the structure of the family has changed over the years, the problems and
pressures facing it have increased. Who is responsible for what roles? How does
step-parenting affect both the parent and children involved? What of increased
free-time, rebelliousness, independence, mobility?
From The
New York Times, November 4, 2015
"Stressed, Tired,
Rushed: A Portrait of the Modern Family", Claire Cain Miller
Children are much more likely than not to
grow up in a household in which their parents work, and in nearly half of all
two-parent families today, both parents work full time, a sharp increase from
previous decades.
What hasn’t changed: the difficulty of
balancing it all. Working parents say they feel stressed, tired, rushed and
short on quality time with their children, friends, partners or hobbies,
according to a new Pew Research Center survey.
“You basically just always feel like you’re
doing a horrible job at everything,” one parent said. “You’re not spending as
much time with your baby as you want, you’re not doing the job you want to be
doing at work, you’re not seeing your friends hardly ever.”
Alba and I understand!
We were 19 when we got married, going to school full-time, working jobs at the
university we attended, and working at a church to make ends meet. We didn't have any pre-marriage counseling,
but we did have good examples in our parents.
They all worked, often multiple jobs, including Alba's dad and mom pastoring
small churches, often many miles away from home.
After
graduation, we have always been bi-vocational.
Teaching school, coaching, and pastoring churches, all of this while
pursuing graduate degrees. In addition, we had several part-time jobs: helping
farmers on their farms, driving trucks, refereeing volleyball and basketball
all over the South Plains of Texas, and starting other Christian schools and
training their staffs. We also did
multi-level marketing: Amway, Shaklee, Yurika, Compact, Nutralite, Herbalife,
and many more. We once joked that in
order to join our church you had to join 11 multi-level marketing
organizations!
I'm saying all
this to let you know, "We feel your pain"! We have been there and are still there. We
know about stress. Do you know what stress is? The overwhelming urge to choke
holy snot out of somebody! Remember the little yellow bird singing a song about
stress that went viral a few years ago?
Enough said!
What does all
this stress produce in families? Let me talk about three areas I see most
often.
1. Conflict
Conflict comes
as a result of the fall.
Genesis 3:16 (NKJV)
To the woman He said: “I will greatly multiply your sorrow
and your conception; In pain you shall bring forth children; Your desire shall
be for your husband, And he shall rule over you.”
Genesis 4:6-7 (NKJV)
So the LORD said to Cain, “Why are you angry? And why has
your countenance fallen? If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you
do not do well, sin lies at the door. And its desire is for you, but you should
rule over it.”
Who is going to
rule? As things heat up, the result is either ‘flight or fight’. Couples go to
war with weapons of anger and manipulation or they go and hide, focusing on
their own needs and the children. Both responses are devastating to a family.
Three types of
families: turtle-turtle, skunk-turtle, skunk-skunk...
The answer? The
Word always has the answer!
Philippians 2:1-4 (NKJV)
Therefore if there is any consolation in Christ, if any
comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and mercy,
fulfill my joy by being like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord,
of one mind. Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in
lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you
look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.
Ilus: Five
greatest strengths - five greatest problems: #1 - Communication; #2 - Selfishness
James
4:1–2 (NKJV) Where
do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from your desires for
pleasure that war in your members? 2You lust and do not have. You
murder and covet and cannot obtain. You fight and war. Yet you do not have
because you do not ask.
Let’s keep
reading in Philippians 2...
Philippians 2:5-8 (NKJV)
Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, who,
being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, but
made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in
the likeness of men. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself
and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross.
I Peter 3:7 (NKJV)
Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding,
giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together
of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered. (weaker - fragile, priceless)
I Peter 3:8-10 (NKJV) Finally, all of you be of
one mind, having compassion for one another; love as brothers, be
tenderhearted, be courteous; not returning evil for evil or reviling for
reviling, but on the contrary blessing, knowing that you were called to this,
that you may inherit a blessing. For “He who would love life and see good days,
let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips from speaking deceit.”
2. Anger
Since everybody
is busy, there is not enough time to fit everything in. Frustration begins to build and soon an
explosion will come!
This week I
watched a program on megacities. This
particular one was one New Orleans. She
became the wealthiest city on the world in the mid-1800's because of the
shipment of cotton up and down the Mississippi River. The invention that made it work was the steam
boat, or paddle wheeler. It brought the
equivalent of billions of dollars in today's money into the city, but also
claimed hundreds of lives because of boiler explosions. There was an average of one paddle wheeler
blowing up ever four days up and down the river. That is like one 747 crashing every week!
Brothers and sisters,
our homes are like that sometimes. We
are making money and doing our thing, but the risk of a deadly explosion in our
families may render all gain worthless!
Psalm
127:1 (NKJV) Unless
the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it; unless the Lord
guards the city, the watchman stays awake in vain.
What does an explosions
look like? When time, money, and affection are short, frustration and fatigue
grow. As it reaches the boiling point it usually erupts in anger, most often by
the man in the house. Anger is a
dangerous thing in the life of a family.
Psalm 37:8
(NKJV) Cease from
anger, and forsake wrath; Do not fret—it only causes harm.
Ecclesiastes
7:9 (NKJV) Do not
hasten in your spirit to be angry, For anger rests in the bosom of fools.
So much so that
the Bible says to avoid angry people...
Proverbs
22:24–25 (NKJV) Make
no friendship with an angry man, and with a furious man do not go, 25Lest
you learn his ways and set a snare for your soul.
Proverbs
29:22 (NKJV) An
angry man stirs up strife, and a furious man abounds in transgression.
It can be the
other way around!
Proverbs
21:19 (NKJV) Better
to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and angry woman.
How can we deal
with anger?
a)
Remove
the cause of anger: bitterness
Bitterness can come
from a supposed right that has been denied, a feeling of frustration over
things in your life, a hurt that hasn't been healed, or unforgiveness.
Hebrews 12:14-16 (NKJV) Pursue peace with all
people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: 15 looking
carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of
bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled;
16 lest there be any fornicator or
profane person like Esau, who for one morsel of food sold his birthright.
Things that
accompany a root of anger: defilement, immorality, gluttony, profanity…
b)
Rely
on the Holy Spirit
Ephesians
4:26–32 (NKJV) “Be
angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, 27nor
give place to the devil. 28Let him who stole steal no longer, but
rather let him labor, working with his hands what is good, that he may have
something to give him who has need. 29Let no corrupt word proceed
out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may
impart grace to the hearers. 30And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of
God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31Let all
bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with
all malice. 32And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving
one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.
3. Immorality
Proverbs 5:1-23 (NKJV)
My son, pay attention to my wisdom; lend your ear to my understanding 2
That you may preserve discretion, and your lips may keep knowledge.
3 For the lips of an
immoral woman drip honey and her mouth is smoother than oil;
When stress
comes, other people can seem so nice…
4 But in the end she is
bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword. 5 Her feet go down
to death, her steps lay hold of hell. 6 Lest you ponder her path of
life—her ways are unstable;
You do not know them.
7 Therefore hear me now, my
children, and do not depart from the words of my mouth.
8 Remove your way far from
her and do not go near the door of her house,
9 Lest you give your honor
to others and your years to the cruel one;
10 Lest aliens be filled with
your wealth and your labors go to the house of a foreigner;
11 And you mourn at last when
your flesh and your body are consumed,
12 And say: “How I have hated
instruction and my heart despised correction!
13 I have not obeyed the
voice of my teachers nor inclined my ear to those who instructed me!
14 I was on the verge of
total ruin in the midst of the assembly and congregation.”
The solution?
15 Drink water from your own cistern
and running water from your own well.
16 Should your fountains be
dispersed abroad, streams of water in the streets?
17 Let them be only your own
and not for strangers with you.
18 Let your fountain be
blessed and rejoice with the wife of your youth.
19 As a loving deer and a
graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; and always be
enraptured with her love.
20 For why should you, my
son, be enraptured by an immoral woman, and be embraced in the arms of a
seductress?
21 For the ways of man are
before the eyes of the Lord and He ponders all his paths.
22 His own iniquities entrap
the wicked man and he is caught in the cords of his sin.
23 He shall die for lack of
instruction and in the greatness of his folly he shall go astray.
Paul agrees...
1 Corinthians 7:1-5 (NKJV)
Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is
good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, because of sexual
immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own
husband. Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise
also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own
body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority
over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with
consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and
come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of
self-control.
INVITATION:
John
17:20–23 (NKJV) “I
do not pray for these alone, but also for those who will believe in Me through
their word; 21that they all may be one, as You, Father, are in Me,
and I in You; that they also may be one in Us, that the world may believe that
You sent Me. 22And the glory which You gave Me I have given them,
that they may be one just as We are one: 23I in them, and You in Me;
that they may be made perfect in one, and that the world may know that You have
sent Me, and have loved them as You have loved Me.
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